0:00:01

A speaker

Hey, you guys. Welcome back to the arts. Two Hearts podcast. This is your host, Charika, an artist, creator, founder of Arts Two Hearts Project, and your host for this podcast. I am very excited, but equally very nervous to be back on the podcast. Welcome. Welcome to the season three of the Ath podcast. I am very grateful to have you here. If you are listening to this episode, thank you so much for tuning in. And if you’re a regular listener, I am truly, truly here because of you.

0:00:33

A speaker

Let me be very honest, taking a break from the podcast and then coming back wasn’t an easy journey. It was so hard for me to take a break and then equally harder for me to get back on recording. I’m still getting into the hang of it. There’s so much that I’m still resisting and I’m still overcoming those thoughts and fears, honestly. But I think what really has kept me going or something that really gave me the courage to keep going forward is all these people who listen and tune into this podcast every week.

0:01:06

A speaker

And that really is important to me because I know how monumental it was for me to listen to podcasts. And I was so lost and alone, and I found a lot of companionship, learning, and honesty while I would listen to other people talk and share their journey. And that’s been an incredible way of me growing. Even today. I tune into a lot of podcasts that truly helped me answer a lot of questions, relate to a lot of situations, and just not feel alone in general.

0:01:44

A speaker

So, yeah, it truly matters to me. If you’re listening to this, I think it really matters to me because I know that anything there’s something that I’m doing that really is helpful. And it’s not only helpful for you, honestly, but having these conversations in the past seasons have been truly so, so helpful for myself. So if you are a regular listener, thank you so much because you’ve really helped me through. Come here back for season three.

0:02:15

A speaker

Not only that, you now can not only listen to this podcast on Apple, on our website, on Spotify, but you can also view this podcast. I am recording this from my studio in Delhi and you can view this podcast now on YouTube. This was a huge, huge, uncomfortable step for me. I really wanted to do video podcasts, actually. Here’s something you don’t know. For the first two seasons, I would always record these podcasts. Like, we would have a video podcast. We actually would talk on video and I would always record these videos but never publish them, like as full episodes.

0:02:55

A speaker

I just don’t know if it was the work it takes to produce a video podcast, which is actually a lot. And I definitely didn’t have the bandwidth myself to do that, nor did I have the resources and the funds to make sure that someone else is doing. So that was out of the questions. We would do small videos of marketing and real stuff like that, that wouldn’t take too much time and space. But then I realized that I truly wanted to do video podcasts because I truly enjoy listening to looking at people. I think it gives a lot more human touch, it builds a deeper connection.

0:03:36

A speaker

When I would look at someone, their face, hear them talk, their hands move where they’re sitting, how they’re living, it helps me relate to that person and connect and have a context actually to what they’re seeing way more than audio. And I love audios when I’m driving or like I’m on the go or I’m going off to bed or something like that. And honestly, I’ll even take you through the journey of what really happened in between.

0:04:08

A speaker

But hold on to that. So, yeah, if you are watching this, or if you’re listening to this, thank you so much. If you want to support this show and encourage us to keep doing the work, make sure you’re subscribed to the channel, subscribed on podcast, Apple podcast, Spotify podcast, or just leave a comment on our website, wherever. I think you have no clue how much it means for any of us who create something when someone really supports us by their kind words, by a share, by a review.

0:04:41

A speaker

I think it’s one of the most, not even the money, I think just knowing that someone truly has taken that time out to leave that review or like something constructive, something helpful that appreciates what you’re doing. Because honestly, I was reading this somewhere, which was that with the whole influencer culture and all of that, that’s another debate on how things are changing. But for anyone who’s creating content, whatever category they are creating in, if they are putting themselves out there, it’s definitely not easy.

0:05:24

A speaker

I can bet for it. I think I have personally, I think in the past two years when I was looking back and reflecting, I have always tried to play it safe, that’s I think just who I have been. I’m not someone who’s like, who’s put myself too uncomfortably out there because I’m just not a person wired like that. It’ll take a lot more toll on me. And specifically, the past two years haven’t been so easy.

0:05:53

A speaker

So I just didn’t have the bandwidth ever to do that. So I would really put myself out there and push myself on the edge, but not so much that I know that I will fall down. But that actually happened, that I’ll tell you. So yeah, I just want to say, any of you, anyone who’s also listening, if you are sharing and putting yourself, your art out there in any format, I truly know the effort it takes, how uncomfortable that feels, how overwhelming that is, and I’m very proud of you. I’m proud of myself for doing this. Right now, this is take four my mic wasn’t working.

0:06:33

A speaker

My camera didn’t come for the accurate quality I expected because I was meant to attach another one that I don’t have right now. And a million times the thought of not doing it really crossed me. But I am just like 54321. No, I may seek perfection, but what’s important for me right now is to take action more than seeking perfection. That is something that I’m telling myself again and again, and I think something that’s really, really holding me back. And this is a question we also asked on Instagram, that what is that one thing that is holding you back right now the most?

0:07:17

A speaker

And when I asked this question to myself, I was like, I was also discussing this with my teammate Abia, and I was like, something that I feel truly, that’s holding me back is chasing perfection. I am someone who would like, if I need to launch a landing page, a new service, a workshop, she was like, I just always want to make sure that everything is so perfect that most of the time, because of that, I’m not able to reach to that point sometimes.

0:07:52

A speaker

I’ve been working on this habit. I was way worse than I am today. But this is something I’ve learned so far, is sometimes just showing up the wrong way. Showing up in completely unfinished, raw, unfiltered, whatever that means. And I’m doing that. I’m here. I’m committed to it. And if this is a reminder that you need it, if you’ve been sitting on an idea, if you’ve been afraid of something and you’re thinking like, okay, maybe if I’ll have a better camera. If I’ll have a better mic if I’ll have a better script, skill, anything.

0:08:27

A speaker

I think we sometimes think that these problems, these solutions will help us look better, be better, or like something will change. But truly, I think what really, really change or changes is just showing up because that’s how we gain the confidence, that’s how we gain the clarity. That’s how we get better in everything that we’re doing. Truly. When I started this podcast, I can’t believe that we are on the season three, because when I started this podcast, I really had no clue how to start a podcast. I took this course that helped me get a lot of these pieces together, which was very helpful.

0:09:07

A speaker

But even though I didn’t know how to talk, I didn’t know how to ask questions, I was always a very curious person. So asking questions was something that was very natural to me. But also for a very long time, I was made fun of asking a lot more questions. And I didn’t know if I was asking good enough questions, if I wasn’t being too dumb, or all these questions, all these fears that come up. And that had come up for me for a very long time until I started recording these podcasts and I started having these conversations and I was like, you know what, this is not a dumb question. And when people like, when I would interview someone and I would ask them some question and they would like and what would happen? Let me give you a little sneak peek behind what goes behind this brain. So when I’m recording something, I usually don’t have a script or I just know that person. I do my research, I have an outline, but I also like the fluidity where the conversation is going and what my mind is thinking about and I would like to talk about that.

0:10:18

A speaker

And a lot of times if we are having a conversation and I have a question, a pressing question in my mind and I would be like, if this is a good question. And in the beginning I would hold myself back, like, I don’t know, should I ask this? Should I don’t ask this if it’s good enough or not? And then I started to ask slowly and started to gain that confidence. And a lot of times anyone who I would interview and they would be like, oh, that’s a great question.

0:10:45

A speaker

And I’m like, really? Is that so? And that’s how it helped me to gain better confidence over my own thoughts. That was truly important for me. This podcast has been something that I am very proud of. I really love it’s taken a lot of effort to produce this podcast for the past one and a half, two years. It took me a really long time to start this and even longer for me to take a pause. So we produced over 125 episodes, over 100 interviews.

0:11:23

A speaker

I have interviewed women from all parts of the world, creative women from all parts of the world. All of this while I was going through the hardest time of my life. The past two years have been incredibly, incredibly hard for me. And when I look back today, I wouldn’t say that I’m all well and everything feels great today, but I’ve been better. I think that’s something that I can say. I have learned in the past two years to manage my stress, my personal life a little bit better than I was, or maybe at least it seems like that.

0:12:02

A speaker

But in the past two years, life has gotten so much in the way sometimes. And the first year after I lost my mom, I was trying so hard, so hard to not let that happen. And here’s, honestly, I really want to talk about a lot of things today because I’ve been sitting on it. And for me, this podcast, I do not want to have a filter. I really, really want to share this because if someone ever has been here, or will be, or you currently are, I just want to share that maybe you’re not alone. I’ve been there, I am there and I’m also working through it.

0:12:44

A speaker

So when I lost my mom before that, the first year before that we were building Arts Two Hearts. I was having a lot of fun. I’ve never had this amount of fun in my life ever. For the first time in my life, I think the first year with my mom, when I moved back home in COVID, that was like an ideal life I always wanted. For the first time in my entire adult and childhood, I felt like my parents were very, very available because my sister was married and their son, like my brother, he was having his own family. And my parents, my mom was spending a lot more time with me, which we never got so much to.

0:13:30

A speaker

And I was having this really creative time, even though I had come back to my hometown that wasn’t comfortable in the first place. And look at me now like, oh God, how much changes in two years. But I just was so happy. I think that one year has been one of the most incredible years of my life. I had so much love from my mom. I felt so, so happy creatively. I started Arts Two Hearts. I had a new studio back then, which was like a huge update for me, because before that, I was actually working from a shared space, and then I had, like, a little home studio.

0:14:17

A speaker

And then when I moved back to my parents’house, I actually took a separate studio space, which was a bigger room, and it had a lot of access to space. I was back with my girls and my dogs that I truly love, and my dog who used to live with me, I had brought her back home with me, and I was so happy to see I was her family. But when I brought her back home, I was always so happy to see all my three girls coming together.

0:14:48

A speaker

And it felt like even my dog found a family that I always wanted to have her. I don’t know if that sounds insane, but that’s something I truly, truly feel. I was very happy her enjoying her time with family. And then COVID happened. The second wave of COVID happened. You all know that. If you’re listening, I have I’ve had a really hard time even not talking about it because there is something so much matters to me.

0:15:17

A speaker

And when I lost my mom, I felt like everything came crashing to the ground. Everything felt I was having so much momentum in my own career. I had, like, a sold out series, and I was making a lot more art. And I had my studio, and I had Arts Two Hearts, and I had the Spot cast, and I was getting calls, and I had never gotten so much attention in my life, not in my career, not in my home. And when I lost my mom and I lost that momentum, I thought I was losing that momentum. And I did, actually.

0:15:51

A speaker

And I was like, I do not want this to happen because not only did I lose my mom and I started fearing that everything I had built so far and like this something that I’d craved all my life, I’m losing that too. I tried very hard not to do that, not let that happen. So when even after my mom passed away, I really like, I was trying to escape a lot of the realities and I really pushed myself into work. But that also was now when I’m thinking is because I was so scared of losing something that I’d built and something I feel was there for me. Like my career, that finally was somewhere I felt like it was doing something.

0:16:36

A speaker

So I put a lot of my effort into my work and I would escape into it. And definitely, like, art is also a way for me to like I can’t be more grateful for my art because it’s truly helped me all these two years to process a lot of information, to process a lot of grief, my own emotions. But the first one year, I literally pushed myself, pushed myself so hard. And a lot of that now, when I look back, was because of fear.

0:17:06

A speaker

I was so afraid of losing anything more that I was trying to get hold of everything, like of my own career, my art practice, my home, my girls and my friends and my partner and everything. I was trying to hold on to things so tight and I was working so hard and I was pushing myself too much somewhere I knew that that was happening, but I was also trying to numb myself from all these extra noises. I started showing up for the podcast.

0:17:38

A speaker

All this while, I was also doing studio visits on Instagram and I was doing a lot. Whenever I would show up for any podcast, I would have a huge anxiety. Huge anxiety. So many times I remember, like, I still remember every time I would show up for a studio visit call or a recording, literally, I would have to pull myself together to go for that call. Looking back, I feel I should have been kinder to myself.

0:18:13

A speaker

It did help me build a lot more strength and resistance and in the sense that I can bear more pain. But honestly, I wouldn’t want that for anyone. I wish nobody has to feel that way. I wish we can all be kinder to ourselves. But I think that something switched in me when I lost my mom. The fear that I may lose everything else that I love so much, that I was trying to hold on to it. I pushed the podcast a lot in spite. Like, I had just had 1015 episodes before my mom passed away and I took it to 125 plus episodes.

0:18:55

A speaker

That’s a lot. Even when I’m saying this, sometimes I sound insane to my own self and that was very, very hard for me. I don’t know if that looked like or not. All these episodes when I was recording, till the point I wouldn’t start that conversations. And honestly, sometimes those conversations, even while those conversations, I wasn’t feeling my best before that, definitely, I was just so afraid to take a break. I was just so afraid to take a pause because I felt like if I stop even for a moment, anything that I’ve done so far may come to the ground.

0:19:37

A speaker

I don’t know if that’s true or not. If you ask me, even today, I don’t know if that is, I don’t know if I’ll stop. I don’t know how many people would listen to this podcast episode, even though we’ve been republishing a lot of our old content just to make sure that you have something new to listen to. I don’t know if this is going to do well. I don’t know if any of this, if my own career, if this business, if this podcast, anything can come and go any moment. I just don’t know how it will work out.

0:20:07

A speaker

But I don’t know that even if I would have stopped or if I would have worked, probably the outcome would have been the same. And even if I would have won, even if I don’t know whatever that means, I don’t know what I was chasing. But even if I would have pushed myself so much that I would have attained whatever I was chasing, I don’t know, I would have had so much in me to even enjoy any bit of that.

0:20:37

A speaker

That to me was very, very important. I realized that I couldn’t keep doing this podcast, which was so safe and so important to me. With this feeling, it was important for me to take a rest, to disconnect something that also changed in the past two years. I would still show up on video, I wasn’t so hesitant. But after my mom and everything that was happening, I slowly, slowly started to take away from that.

0:21:03

A speaker

I was not comfortable showing my face. I was not comfortable showing myself. I was not comfortable putting myself out there so much. And I needed to protect myself from that. And I did. But on the back side, I always felt like I was failing. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I should be doing a video podcast, I should be doing this, I should open up that. And when I would see other people doing so much around me, I would feel so miserable because I would feel like I’m not doing enough.

0:21:35

A speaker

And that would just crush me so much. Looking back, I was very unkind to myself. I was very unkind to myself, and I really want to be honest about that. I reached these episodes and I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I just couldn’t come to the mic anymore and I had to stop. And my colleague, Rabia, she was very encouraging of that, and she was like, we really need to take a break because you really need to take a break.

0:22:09

A speaker

My schedule and my life was changing a lot. I was moving a lot. Recording had become very hard. I didn’t have the courage to record a solo episode. And something that I always was noticing, that I always wanted arts to heart. I’ve always wanted this to be an uplifting, safe space. But every time I was showing up, a, I was feeling very scared, b, I was also bringing a lot of heaviness that I was feeling conscious of, that I didn’t want whatever I was going through.

0:22:41

A speaker

I didn’t want to carry so much of that with me in an episode and forward that to someone else. I don’t know if that makes sense. I don’t know if that happened, and if it did, I don’t know. I was doing my best, honestly. And so I decided I had to take a break. We took a break for season two. I didn’t know how long that break would be. I don’t know how I would figure things out. And I just knew I had to stop.

0:23:11

A speaker

And that stop actually didn’t come that easy. I’ll tell you what even happened, how insane I went. I actually thought, oh, I don’t want to. Like, maybe it’s not the video, the podcast. It’s maybe I think I need to do more, and maybe I need to do in the studio recording. And I remember the last episode that I recorded was actually a set up of in person recording that we did here. And I was so nervous but also so anxious that I put myself I had pushed myself so far that I couldn’t take it emotionally. I was so drained that after doing that, I just didn’t enjoy it so much that I felt like, I just don’t want to do it anymore.

0:23:56

A speaker

And I was like, this is a point where I need to realize I need to take a pause, reflect, and see if I truly want to come back to it or not. And I was very afraid of taking that decision because I felt like, what if I don’t want to do this? What if I don’t continue? What if I have to hold this podcast back? If that’s a good idea or I don’t know. I overthink a lot of things, and I overthink a lot. But anyways, when I did that, I realized that that was necessary.

0:24:29

A speaker

All these months that we didn’t record, I missed the podcast a lot. But then came something which was, how do I start again? Because for me, it’s easier to keep going when it’s in momentum, when everything’s happening, I’m going and I’m doing. But to take a pause and then to start back, that takes a lot more courage. I had to take that courage, and I was I’m also recording into these odd setups. Now. I’m doing a studio recording. I have a place in agra. I’m moving a new studio, I’m making new work, and there’s a lot of noise and cures and internal, but I feel a lot more subtle with how I am, where I am right now.

0:25:12

A speaker

And I was like, it’s not the will that I do not want to I want to do this. I do not have a script, I have a little diary that I’ve written, written notes that I wanted to talk about, but I’m not even actually looking at them because I really wanted to do this. It’s not it’s, it’s something I feel good about, but what I don’t feel good about is this brain of mine that’s often leading me to directions that overwhelm me. Oh, I should do a video podcast now. What if this is not a good video?

0:25:45

A speaker

What if the voice is not good? Should I take a pause? Should I do better? Should I say better? Should this episode be about learning? Should I give you value? Should I give you this? I think we’ve been constantly fed up. I think we’re constantly being fed with so much information that amidst this information, I think I personally have struggled so much to listen to which is my own voice and which is the voice that I see people like I am consuming from outside of me.

0:26:20

A speaker

And for me, I think per se, it is very important to know what my heart and what I am feeling, what I want to do, rather than what others are saying me to do. And sometimes they overlap so much that I have to filter through these thoughts so much to actually understand that what I want to do. For example, I love podcasting, but when I see at other people, I look at other people, how they podcast, I really love it, I admire them, it works for them, I love watching them.

0:26:56

A speaker

And I have put this like, oh, if you’re doing this, if you’re doing a podcast, make sure you have a good quality, you have a premium, all of those things. And I have a great camera, I have a great mic, I have a great space and all of that. But it just doesn’t work for me on where I am right now. I just want to talk, be myself. That’s more important. And this is something I’m working on constantly now, this 2023, I swear I’m going to work better on this.

0:27:26

A speaker

I’m just going to work on showing up more than showing up perfect. On doing what truly matters to me versus how people expect to show up. That’s something I think has held me back for a very long time and I don’t want to do that anymore. This podcast will still stay how it was, probably. We’ll try to make it better, but I don’t promise. I’ll try to make it better with being more honest. I’ll try to make it better by giving it more options. Like now there’s a video option, but like, that I do not want to put so much pressure on myself that it makes me not do it versus I’ll only take it so far, where it actually helps me progress versus making me take a heart.

0:28:14

A speaker

So that’s about all of that. We’ve recorded quite a few episodes for the season three. It’s a lot more fun, I think. I want to create this space to get out of this whole funk I was in. I need to have these conversations and I want to share these conversations, but something I’m going to be really working on in the podcast now eight showing up more like this in myself, organically. You can see me in my studio here. This is in Tele.

0:28:44

A speaker

I’ll try to show a little bit a lot more like real side of things because that truly makes me feel uncomfortable because I do not want to put a lot more like filter or weight for the perfect moment. This is it. How unfinished, raw it is. This is it. I know we all have how are flawless. Nobody is flawless. We only try to make it like that. So I’m not going to make that effort. It’s a lot of more taxing for me.

0:29:10

A speaker

And I know it’s not easy for you either. Personally, I would like to connect better than look better, engage better, than, sell better. I don’t know all of those things. For me, I think I really want to work on building more meaningful connections via this podcast, via Arts to us and community, and truly push myself out of that zone, take more risk for what feels risk for me, not for what it feels for other people.

0:29:43

A speaker

To truly ground myself in my own voice and to be okay with where I am. For a very long time, I struggled with my own grief and I was very ashamed of talking about it so much. But it was so much in me. That was me. I still have it, but I think I’ve realized to deal with it a little better or at least not feel ashamed about it, I think that’s something that’s changed. I don’t feel ashamed about it. It’s a part of me.

0:30:12

A speaker

It’s going to be there when it needs to be and I can be myself and I need to be myself, whatever way that means. So, yeah, that’s arts. Two hearts. Podcast. No filter. Just what I was feeling. It’s here on the table for you. If you connected with this, I’m grateful for your support here and I hope that you will come back. We have a lot more episodes. The next episode will be with the jealous Qatar. I’m very excited because, oh, my God, I’ve admired her for so long.

0:30:43

A speaker

This episode is very intense. Let me put it here for you. The upcoming episode is going to be so much intense and raw and so emotional, I can’t even tell you. It’s precious. So, yeah, make sure you tune. In next week for the upcoming episode with Jealous Curator on the Astoarts podcast. And if you like this, make sure if you can leave a word of support, a like a comment, a review, anything. I think it truly will make me feel more connected and I truly create that. I think a lot of this that I’m doing is not for you 100% disclaimer it’s for me.

0:31:25

A speaker

I need this community more than anybody else in this world. I need these connections, I need these conversations, I need this a lot for me. And in that way, if I’m able to create something that’s helping all of us, I take that pain. But a lot of this is for me, myself because as a creative who has this so I have a lot of space within me to have these conversations and to feel that love. So I will make sure that I will show up with as much honesty as I can and show you more through the process and have arts to hearts, more real conversations, more honesty, more love.

0:32:07

A speaker

And yes, hope to see you back in the next episode. Make sure you hit subscribe like review this episode and I will see you back. Bye.